A guide to Irish Driving

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A guide to Irish Driving.

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Irish driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with WW, MO or MH plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ireland during rush hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ireland is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert!

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

11. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windscreen right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

12. Remember that the goal of every Irish driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

13. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

14. Always drive with the front fog lights on as it makes you look really cool and everyone will think it's a jet fighter behind them, not a muppet in a car.

15. Remember - it is your moral duty as a responsible motorist to increase road safety by driving at 50mph in the outside lane of the motorway / dual carriageway when the only other traffic for miles is someone 3 feet behind you having an eppileptic fit and flashing his lights like mad. Just imagine if this had happened to the poor guy if he was going faster - could have been dangerous!